I have always considered myself to be a writer. A daydreamer. A believer. Connected with quintessence…to a degree.
That is why I created this blog in the first place–to allow my thoughts to become words, and to allow those words to decorate some space in the world wide web.
Then I thought to myself, “I’m a writer. I write poetry. I hope to have my novel published one day. This blog will be great to get a reading audience!” That thought was even lectured to me at a Life, the Universe, and Everything Conference (a huge fantasy writing conference in Utah). They said if you ever hope to be published as a writer, you have to have a reading base first.
Thus, I tried to commercialize my blog–write to the reader.
Well, teachers know what happens when you teach to the test…you start losing yourself. Losing the goal in mind, losing the personal aspect of it all, losing your creativity, your style, your imagination, your soul. The same goes for blog writing.
I’ve realized that, especially thanks to Danica’s post on the whole “Competition” aspect of blogging. I lost track of why I really wanted to blog in the first place. All for more page views and more followers. I guess it was mainly because my friends like Danica, or Sierra who are my age, just starting to teach like me, relatively newlywed, etc. But they have waaaaaaaaay more followers than me. It’s true, the green monster has decided to occupy my mind.
Why can’t I have as many followers or as awesome blog posts as them? Is it because I am a teaching intern? No, they both teach too, and one of them is an English teacher and has to read a lot more than I do. Is it because I am married? Well, they were both married long before I was.Is it because they have instagram and probably Macs and Iphones? Possibly. Is it because they are just better writers than me? ………………..maybe……… Is it because they know a lot more about fashion than I do? Probably. Is it because I am still a novice in the blogging world even though I have had my blog for 3 years and 2 weeks? Yes.
So, I have a few things to work on:
- Learn more about Mormon fashion (or use what I have and become more creative) as well as break out of my bubble of self-consciousness and post maybe a few teaching outfits?
- Write more often (I can start by doing creative history writing assignments along with my students). No, write every day. Become dedicated with this!
- Carry my iPod around with me more and finally figure out how to set up Instagram.
- Find a niche. I like that I am very widespread with my posts, but I want to find a series of something that is consistent and that I enjoy.
- Research. History or English is fine. But technology? Blech. I’m going to have to swallow that fear and resistance.
Hanging above my bed is a poster that reads, “Every life is a Fairy Tale written by God’s fingers.” This is my favorite quote. It is also what I try to live my life as. It also named this blog.
This summer, my life was a fairy tale. I was where I had always wanted to go. I was where my imagination lived, where my heart lived, where my muse lives.
It is snowing right now, pretty heavily. But, I am listening to the last song on Braveheart – the one where he dies – it is called, “Freedom.” Braveheart is James Horner’s opus. Now, is Adiemus by Karl Jenkins. This new genre of music was creating by Welshman Jenkins. He wanted to create a mystical tribal sounding music, one that lifts and allows the listener to soar through the skies. Now you can hear it in many fantasy movies, such as Disney’s Atlantis, Avatar, Star Wars, etc.
I worry too much about money and school. I don’t have enough money to support myself, I don’t have enough scholarship to make much difference. I hardly ever get scholarships…true, I have half tuition, but every sinlge other scholarship or writing contest I enter, I don’t ever succeed. What does that tell me about my writing? School is the same. I can’t take as many classes as I want – I have to finish my major, which restricts my choices for history and writing classes I want.
My novel has been in my head for over 7 years now. Just a bare rough, hand written draft exists. I never have time to write it. But that is just my opus. What about all the other books I have in mind? What about the historical fictions I want to write – when can I ever research them. To be a better writer, you need to be a better reader. I don’t have time to read for myself. I haven’t read a fictional book since I was in Wales over the summer – that’s six months ago.
I am Mormon, yes, but I am strange. Although I would never practice it, Celtic paganism intrigues me. I love the culture and atmosphere of it all – wizards, dragons, magic. The knowledge that you and nature are connected, and thus, you have greater power. Nature allows you to achieve things only though impossible by others – the power of magic. I truly believe humans have capabilities far beyond their potential. We are all sons and daughters of God, so we have His power, although we have not yet grown into our inheritance. No, I don’t think this God-like power is magic or superpowers, but I do believe it is something similar in nature – it is more than we are. Maybe that is why I am pulled so hard into Celtic culture.
I want my life to be a fairy-tale. I don’t want to worry about whether or not my next paycheck will be enough to pay rent. I don’t want to worry if the class I am I in will allow me to get a scholarship or be useful in my career. True, I want to teach, but I also want to live. My friend Jonathon posted on facebook the other day that he feels like he wants to just move to Europe and live with the gypsies. Jonathon, I can tell you now, you aren’t the only one. Sometimes, especially this year, I would sometimes imagine what would it be like if I could just have a “temporary” break from college, “temporary” break from life – from bills and essays. What would it be like if I moved to England, lived in a small flat, and just traveled? I would read all I wanted: classics, fantasy, adventure, romance, history. I would write all I wanted; all my novels and ideas would actually form on paper. I would travel all I wanted to; I would see castles, I would visit battlefields, explore forests, cross islands, climb mountains, tour cities. I would truly then be living a Fairy Tale.
Then, I come back to reality and I realize, I am still either in the preface, author’s note, or even introduction to my Fairy Tale. These sticky, analytical, hard to write pieces of the book are times I just have to push through until my life can actually begin. Not only do I want to create fantasy for others to read, but I also want to start my own Fairy Tale.