Last night found me on the floor of our guest bedroom crying my eyes out.
I have anxiety. Most of the time, it’s under control, but sometimes, it gets out of hand and I lose it–I lose my faith in myself, I feel depressed for a few days, and nothing anyone says will make me believe otherwise. Typically, I have anxiety attacks when everything seems to pile upon each other.
This time, it was a few things:
~ I have been told by two people that I am impatient with Rhys
~ I am just about fed up with his bloody-murder piercing screaming phase
~ He is such a poor teether–he’s barely eaten in the past week and a half and is starting to lose a tiny bit of weight
~ I am now a SAHM (big transition)
~ I am afraid that I won’t have the patience to be a SAHM 24/7 since I’ve already had two breakdowns having to do with Rhys already this past year
~ I wondered if we made a mistake in having me be a SAHM rather than continue working (because of the above…and maybe a teeny bit financially, but mostly because of the above)
It is crippling to have these thoughts because they do lead to a downward spiral. Anxiety attacks don’t just happen…it has to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve been worried about these things over the past few weeks and although a major burden has been lifted from my shoulders because school is over, on the inside, I’ve still felt glum.
But, not only do I feel down, I don’t feel like doing anything else. That is why I haven’t really been putting my heart and soul into blogging the past two weeks or so–my sponsors haven’t been getting what they paid for, excellent quality writing hasn’t appeared, and networking hasn’t been happening. I don’t want to work on my goals, I don’t want to work out, I don’t even want to watch TV.
It also makes me very tired. I’ve been going to bed between 8:30-9:30 many times this week because I’ve just been so emotionally overwhelmed.
I want to be able to succeed. I want to be a good SAHM. I want to be patient with my son–he’s only 11 months old, after all, and everyone always tells me everything “is just a phase.”
So here is my prayer:
Please allow me to have faith in myself that I have the ability to be a SAHM, as it’s been my dream for a long time. Please allow me to find the patience for both myself and Rhys. Please allow me to be able to know what I need to do to help him continue to get the nutrients he needs without beginning bad habits. Please allow me to have confidence in myself and the decisions my husband and I make. Please give me counsel as a mother when I need it and trust in my own maternal instincts.