I Am Anxious

Last night found me on the floor of our guest bedroom crying my eyes out.

I have anxiety. Most of the time, it’s under control, but sometimes, it gets out of hand and I lose it–I lose my faith in myself, I feel depressed for a few days, and nothing anyone says will make me believe otherwise. Typically, I have anxiety attacks when everything seems to pile upon each other.

This time, it was a few things:
~ I have been told by two people that I am impatient with Rhys
~ I am just about fed up with his bloody-murder piercing screaming phase
~ He is such a poor teether–he’s barely eaten in the past week and a half and is starting to lose a tiny bit of weight
~ I am now a SAHM (big transition)
~ I am afraid that I won’t have the patience to be a SAHM 24/7 since I’ve already had two breakdowns having to do with Rhys already this past year
~ I wondered if we made a mistake in having me be a SAHM rather than continue working (because of the above…and maybe a teeny bit financially, but mostly because of the above)

It is crippling to have these thoughts because they do lead to a downward spiral. Anxiety attacks don’t just happen…it has to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve been worried about these things over the past few weeks and although a major burden has been lifted from my shoulders because school is over, on the inside, I’ve still felt glum.

But, not only do I feel down, I don’t feel like doing anything else. That is why I haven’t really been putting my heart and soul into blogging the past two weeks or so–my sponsors haven’t been getting what they paid for, excellent quality writing hasn’t appeared, and networking hasn’t been happening. I don’t want to work on my goals, I don’t want to work out, I don’t even want to watch TV.

It also makes me very tired. I’ve been going to bed between 8:30-9:30 many times this week because I’ve just been so emotionally overwhelmed.

I want to be able to succeed. I want to be a good SAHM. I want to be patient with my son–he’s only 11 months old, after all, and everyone always tells me everything “is just a phase.”

So here is my prayer:

Please allow me to have faith in myself that I have the ability to be a SAHM, as it’s been my dream for a long time. Please allow me to find the patience for both myself and Rhys. Please allow me to be able to know what I need to do to help him continue to get the nutrients he needs without beginning bad habits. Please allow me to have confidence in myself and the decisions my husband and I make. Please give me counsel as a mother when I need it and trust in my own maternal instincts.


What parts of the transition was hard for you when you became a SAHM?
Tayler is a work at home mom. She does free lance articles and dabbles in graphic design and virtual assisting for bloggers. She spent 3 years as a history and English teacher. Her passions are her husband, two children, history, reading, nature, and her Savior, Jesus Christ.
  • I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Anxiety is so hard and can be so crippling. I hope things start to get better for you!

  • Thanks, Ashley! It's good to know a fellow blogger suffers from anxiety!

  • Thanks, Vanessa! I looked up that scripture and I like it! Short, sweet, simple, and to the point. One of my favorite scripture is Proverbs 3:24, the King James Version.

  • Love Peace Beauty

    I've wondered before if I might have anxiety. I've definitely felt what you described and I'm also a mother which is undeniably tough. Your prayer is beautiful and I hope you find some peace.

  • Emilie Burke

    I will pray for a calming peace for your soul tonight. I, too, struggle with debilitating anxiety, but I have faith that you are following God's plan!

  • I'm sorry you're feeling this way, friend. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years and one thing I've learned (thanks partly to uber-blogger Jenny Lawson) is that Depression LIES. It convinces you that you aren't good enough, but that's a lie. You're amazing. And the things you're experiencing are normal.

  • I have family members that go to therapy and have medication for it…it's genetic.

  • Thank you, Emilie…and going to an Ivy League would definitely cause a lot of stress! But, you are DONE!

  • I believe it's one of the strongest tools of the Devil, sadly.

  • Desiree @ Macke Monologues

    Anxiety is terrible. I've had a few attacks, myself, and nothing can prepare you from it, or stop it from happening.

    Being a SAHM is demanding, but know that your little man is getting the best care and attention ever.
    I pray for peace and calm, and that you know just what an amazing mommy you are.
    Hang in there momma!

  • Being a mother is HARD! I think we all have those days when we find ourselves on the floor crying our eyes out. To be honest that was the majority of the first year of my daughter's life. It was a dark time for me that I feel like I am just now getting out of. What worked for me was finding little things to be grateful for and then focusing on that positive throughout the day. I also try really hard to not be upset with myself when I can't do it all. There are some days when not a whole lot is going to be accomplished, but that's okay. Just take it one day at a time.

  • Hey, as another mom who has dealt with anxiety all her life, I want you to know you aren't alone. I'm here to talk if you ever need to dump it all out. Email me anytime! What works for me is organizing what is most important and pushing out the rest. Worrying about what might happen in the future freaks me out, so I don't. Staying flexible and reminding myself what really matters helps. DEEP breaths help too. If things get really bad, just give him a cookie set him in front of the TV and have a cry session. It's ok and trust me lots of moms have done it 🙂

  • Thanks, Desiree. Yesterday was the perfect first day, and now today we're back to the not-eating, not-sleeping, clingy times 😉

  • It's happened a lot to me…and even before Rhys was born. Thanks, Emma.

  • Thanks, Whitney. I think my anxiety has gotten worse as I've become more "adultish". But, it makes sense because there wasn't a whole lot to worry about as a teen compared to being an adult!

  • It's a big change, and you're right in being stressed about it. Heres the thing about what people say to you as a mother.
    1. It gets better as you adjust. You might be feeling a little bit frustrated with your little guy now, but when you start to spend more time with him, you'll learn what works, what starts tantrums and how to work things out for your family.
    2. What they say is just their opinion. I can tell if I'm being impatient to my kids, and I know when it's time for me to change my own attitude. Typically one thing that helps me in doing that is being around other moms and kids that I'm comfortable with and that I look up to. Most of the time when we have play dates with other moms, especially other moms who are laid back or calm, I act more that way.

    If people are telling you that you're being too impatient, and if you feel you are, explain to them that you're still learning about this SAHM business and you could use a little help. It's hard and stressful and it's nice to have someone else there to give you some ideas for dealing with things. Sometimes it helps to have someone else say what works for them.
    You're doing a good job. You know whats best for your family. You'll find a daily routine that works.

  • I also like this! Today you hear a lot of talk about not letting your kids watch TV and have snacks….It's ok to do that. It's your decision and sometimes it's nice to have a minute to recharge your self.

  • Jenny, these sound like wonderful tips. Thank you so much! Patience is something I've always struggled with but have been trying my utmost best the past three years, first as a teacher, and now as a mom.

  • It's already the only way we can get him to settle down and drink a bottle for a nap 😉 I already LOVE Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood!

  • Kimber Daley

    I'm new to your blog and this is the first thing you've written that I've ever read … but I just wanted to join here as one more voice that says "You're not alone". I know that doesn't make anything any better … but sometimes it helps to know that there are other moms out there who cry into the bathwater, thinking they just can't do it one more day. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I deal with chronic pain issues. I think one of the my most insightful moments came in a therapist's office when I hit a very low point. She asked me, "What do you do for yourself?" I paused and then said, "Well, I like to read." "Why is that?" "Well, when I read, I forget everything. My problems seem to go away for a while." "Okay, great. That's what you do to escape. But what do you do to build yourself up? What do you do that makes you feel stronger?" I stared at her, then I started to cry. I realized that "building myself up" hadn't been on my radar much since becoming a mother. And while I think it's important to be selfless as a new mom, you HAVE to make time to build yourself up. So that's the encouragement and advice I'd give you – find the activities that you enjoy, and that make you feel stronger. Crafting, writing, running, singing, sewing, baking … whatever it is, take time to do it. Because although your baby is important, if you're running on empty, you're not going to be your best self. I've learned that a happy mama means happier kids. 🙂 Good luck!!

  • That is a very interesting point. I would've said reading and blogging and running because it's "me time" and they're important to me. But I like that your therapist separated what you do to escape/for fun and what you do to build yourself up. I think I need to focus more on some thematic scripture study rather than just reading it front to back and focus more on my running and health to help build me up. Thank you so much, Kimber, and welcome!