I Admit It

So, today, I did something I never thought I would do – I went to a counselor. The type of counselor you go to for help, not academic, not religious, but emotional and mental.I never thought I would have to – I always thought I was stronger, smarter, too normal for that. I was wrong, and I admit I went.

Today just confirmed my growing beliefs. I admit I am not strong. Maybe that is why my novel that I am working on is so powerful to me. Maybe I really am like other authors who place who they want to be in a favorite character. Maybe I want to be strong mentally and emotionally, but the truth is, I’m not. I admit I am not courageous, I am not outspoken, I am not assertive (I totally am w/ sports, but not real life – funny how that works out). I admit I lack in some serious social and interpersonal characteristics. I admit I personally have some poor characteristics which causes the rest of these to blow up out of proportion. I used to think I was super good at all of this, but I realize that, no, I am not. My parents and my friends were right all along about me. I admit it. YOU are right about me – every little detail.

I have been having a terrible semester – I have been overly stressed and underly social. I have been overly focused on school work and underly focused on my relationships. I have been overly successful in my jobs, yet, sadly, underly successful with hours and earnings. Most days, I want to just go to bed and give up on everything else. I want to give up on school, I want to give up trying to earn enough money for Wales, I want to give up on finding a new place to live next year, I want to give up on trying to heal my friendships.

That is why I went to a counselor. I don’t want to give up. I want to prove I am stronger than that, that I CAN push through. And I am not just talking about the going to class and work even if I didn’t get any sleep or if I am hacking up a lung. That is just determination. I want the strength to not give up this semester. I want the strength to be able to fix my problems. To be able to confront them and eradicate them by any means necessary. Maybe that is why I have been working so hard on my novel lately – it’s as if my character that I created will hopefully give me strength.

I admit that I need some serious changing. I admit that I need some help to do so. I admit that I am not perfect, nor anywhere near so. I admit I am wrong sometimes, harsh sometimes, bossy sometimes, selfish sometimes. I admit all my downfalls, but hopefully, will be able to fix them all.

Give me strength to admit it and work through it.

"The Unexamined Life

is not worth living.” Socrates said this once and it has impacted billions of people since then. In my British Literary class, we were taught that the Romantic era was a period of the exploration of human imagination, a return to the natural. For years, I have kept a journal, but I haven’t really looked back and examined my life.

A new year has come and gone, resolutions in place, new classes, yet, same life. What kind of life has that been?

I look back, I have had a pretty good life. True, there were things I regret, especially in high school. I should have tried out for soccer. I should have taken the whole IB program. I should have saved more money from my part time job. But, I had a good education. I had great friends, some of which I still keep in touch with. I was inspired by my teachers. I loved my community, my home, everything about it.

Family life. Tough one. I was a brat – I’ll admit it. But, I was also quick to forgive and forget. We never went for wanting. We loved each other. My dad is my hero and my mom is my mentor. My siblings are my pride and joy.

Love found me numerous times. I am glad for the different experiences it has brought me and I am glad I kept to my values and standards. These have taught me what to look for.

Now for college, which I have to say, I have changed alot in the past year and a half. Last year I started out in the dorms. I had a couple of friends, I socialized, but I was still unsatisfied. After Christmas break, I moved in with a coworker across campus. There, I was accepted by two people who are now my best friends: Amanda and Sherrie. That semester, I experimented – I allowed social life to overrun school work. I ventured in my romantic relationship. Life was great, I didn’t want it to stop, but I realized that come next year, I needed to make some changes.

The three of us moved in to a new apartment and our fourth roommate, Katrina, fits perfectly in with us. It has been challenging, some dissapointments, some failures, fights, suprises. But, where would I be without those? Where am I right now? I feel I have ended the prologue to my life and I am just starting to write chapter one.
I am different then my roommates in my goals and expectations, but that is what helps me be strong. I will live my own life to its fullest, my own way.
I have had no boyfriend, and had to watch two roommates with their own. I will admit, I was jealous, but then, I’d think, I am doing wonderful without one.

I have had a good life, full of experience, and trials. I remember from Sunday School, a quote “Glorious tribulation gives us hope” (Romans 5:3-5). Since then, I have pushed through, knowing that I will be better afterward. I have succeeded in week one of school. I am confident. I have succeeded wonderfully in the past. I have examined my life and found it worth living, so that is exactly what I’ll do. I have changed over the years and I will write my life story:

My Fairy Tale.

New Year's Resolutions

It is the end of another year. The third decade of my life begins now – the first was of childhood, the second of teen years, now, my first decade as an adult.

This year has been full of changes for me – I ended my first year of college and began my second. I started a job that will help me toward my career. Friends have been married, gone on missions, came and gone out of my life. I, myself, have changed. But, reminiscing on the year, I’ve come to realize that the progress I have made was just the first stretch.

These year’s resolutions are going to deal with improving me, for my sake and for whoever else may come into my life.

I want to get better – I will get better this year. (It will help that my roommate is as determined as I am!)

-I WILL workout 5 out of 7 days a week and stay with my ideal weight
-I WILL dress for success – including taking time to do my hair nicely – no ponytails and no t-shirts
-I WILL get all A’s and B’s and keep my GPA above a 3.7 (to stay in Honors) – even if it means staying on campus to get homework done
-I WILL be more sociable – no more shying away to my room – I will meet new people and jump right in.
-I WILL keep my apartment clean – it looks so much better and is less stressful
-I WILL go to bed and wake up everyday at a determined time
-I WILL spend time every week giving service or doing charity work

-I WILL be the super girl I want to be. The one that is able to balance college honors classes, two jobs, Sunday school class, and a social life. The one who is always dressed nicely. The one every one wants to invite over or hang out with. The one that can hold her head up high and know she has succeeded in life. I WILL be the One that will be able be proud of herself and how she presents herself.

This year will be different and it will be a turning point as I go from being a teenager into an adult. This year I will experience the beginning of training for my career (hist teaching classes), long-term friendships (renewing my apartment contract), saying goodbye to family (staying at college over the summer), and studying abroad (going to Wales in the summer). This year will be exciting and I WILL face it with determination and optimism.

THAT is my resolution.

The Smell of Heaven

is one with yellowed pages stacked to the ceiling on all the wall in a small and old home with the underlaying musks of coffee and smoothies.

The few times I’ve driven to New England, I’ve seen small college towns and think how wonderful it woul dbe to live there – a sort of Gilmore Girl atmosphere, if you will. And, always in the back of my mind is my ideally creative living structure: a small aparmtent on a Main Street above my very own bookstore. Remember the small bookstore in “You’ve Got Mail”? I want it.

Yet, I’ve never been in one of those old rustic shops before, only passing those wonderful tresure troves, or seen them on TV, until today. I was walking to my designated spot mentioned in my previous post and found heaven.

This small building is full of shelves of random books of all ages and varied levels of usage. The smell reminded me of Nauvoo – old and moist. But, that’s the smell of heaven. I walked around, my heart pounding, a smile spread on my face. Traveling through the labyrinth of bookshelves, I entered the second part of the store – a small cafe. This place is heaven and only a five minute bike ride from home.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I want it. I know I’ll be spending more time here, because I now have the smell of heaven in me.

I Will Not

Already this morning, I woke up later than usual, not allowing me to run or workout. I grabbed a too heavy jacket for today’s wonderful weather. Wearing flats, I stepped in a mud puddle. I have a ton of homework to do. I have to start the process for getting a passport. Joy.

I could have allowed these things to put me in a bad mood for the day. But, seconds after the muddy puddle incident, I stopped and went over to the grass. Calmly, I wiped my foot off and put the somewhat squishy shoe back on. I put a smile on face and continued to class. I will not allow myself to be upset at this misfortune.

Other issues have been presenting themselves all week. For that reason (also because I have to go to the post office anyway), I have decided that I will not do homework at my apartment today. It is such nice weather, I will stay on Center Street and do homework by the tabernacle. It is lovely downtown, and this weather is even more appealing. I will not allow myself to be in a poor temperament today.

The day is yet to be had. The day is yet to be experienced. What I will find today is peace. I will find relaxation. I will find satisfaction. Today I will not let anything or anyone take this calm, serene, disposition from me.

I am excited to sit on the common area in the center of downtown, in front of a historical building that means much to my heritage. I even believe my muse may visit me after all the homework is done. I intend to spend all day there until twilight forces me to find some other light. And I will not allow anything or anyone to take this calm, serene disposition from me.