I am worried. More so than I have been before. The reason I have decided to write this post was because of two posts: Suzzie Vehrs’s on Fear and Sierra Penrod’s on Anxiety. I have experienced both in my life to varying degrees.
The first time I truly felt fear was in 8th grade. I lived in Stafford, VA at the time. The same time and place as the Sniper Shootings. My neighborhood and my school were surrounded by forest. It’d be all to easy for him to sneak behind a tree and shoot me. Or, since I slept in the basement, sneak under our porch in the pitch darkness and shoot me through my window. I was reading scriptures one day, and fell upon these verses: Proverbs 3: 21-26. It really helped–Christ telling me directly that he will watch over me and keep me safe.
I have felt anxiety numerous, numerous times: big projects, finals, surprises even. I felt it almost every day during my student teaching internship last year. The beginning of the year was so bad for me, Justin had to force me to actually eat my dinner.
However, this week, my worry has been a combination of both fear and anxiety. My worry is not about myself, but about my husband.
He has a pre-existing condition. That is all I am saying. It is his choice to indulge more or keep it private and I respect that. Recently, he started a new medication–a pill! We were so excited for him to only have to take an oral pill as opposed to his previous medication. He started it about two weeks ago. About last Thursday, he got a sore throat and headache, but we were still able to have the time of our lives with his family during the holiday weekend. We were both able to go to all 3 hours of church on Sunday and both felt fine (I didn’t even get any degree of headache, which I typically do). Then, Sunday evening, we helped out some friends by taking them to the ER. Justin started to feel bad then. We thought it was maybe just bad memories popping in. We went home and he was cold–Justin is never cold. Even in the winter, he sleeps without any covering. He spent all night hacking and coughing and dry heaving.
Monday was the same–hacking, coughing, dry heaving, sore throat, heavy head, couldn’t stomach anything. I’ve said it and Justin has said it: he loves food. So, when the only thing he eats all day is a banana and a piece of toast, you know something is wrong. Monday night, we try to go to bed. He is up and out almost every 10 minutes, saying how he needs to throw up. I have never seen my husband this sick or disheartened or in this much pain. It scared me. We decided to go to the ER.
The doctors and nurses there were very nice and very helpful. They gave him some medicine for his nausea and stomach pains, but said they weren’t sure what it is. We mentioned about the new medication and wondered if that was causing it, but the ER doctor hadn’t really heard of it (it is, afterall, a new medicine for Justin’s condition, so that was understandable). We ended up thinking Justin got a bug coincidentally the same time he started the new medication and the pill was just exacerbating the symptoms. Justin was able–for the most part–to sleep the rest of the night.
Yesterday, he was doing a bit better–even able to down half a cup of rice and veggies. He said the stomach medication was helping and was able to get some rest throughout the day. The worst part, though, about yesterday, is the fact that it was Justin’s birthday. What a crappy gift. However, as much as it looked like he was improving, that all disappeared last night. We hardly slept a wink again–coughing, barfing, can’t find a comfortable way to sleep.
This morning, he tells me that he really does think it is the pill. He called the pharmacy and they think it may be the pill. So, we may be going back to the hospital today. I am scared. This is my husband–my rock, my man who never worries or frets, who (even with his condition) never gets sick and hardly gets headaches, my food-devour-er who can’t eat a single piece of toast, my hard-studying statistician who is trying to finish school. I am worried, desperately worried. I knew since our first date about Justin’s health. During our engagement, it made me worried. I even wrote about it here. But he’s never been this affected. He is so hungry and tired and weak, and the isn’t anything I can do about it. I can’t sleep, I can barely eat myself. How in the world can I help him when I can’t even help myself from being worried sick over him? Our apartment is a mess, there aren’t any clean dishes, we are running out of food (I don’t want to go grocery shopping with him in this condition). I am more worried about him than I’ve ever been before.
But, for all this hopelessness and forlorn coming from both of us, I am trying desperately to have faith. I am reading the scriptures out loud to both of us. We are continually praying not only for his recovery, but our friend’s as well. His family knows and are praying, too. I know down the road he’ll be fine, but I’m worried about the here and now. I know we’ll be able to get through it, but with what consequences? Going back to the medication he hates with passion? Getting really behind on his studies? I am surprised I’m not worried about the expense of the hospital visits we had/will have. But, I have to keep faith. In the Book of Mormon (the other set of scriptures for the LDS church), there is a passage –1 Nephi 3:7 ” And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” Along with this, is the axiom, that God won’t give us trials we can’t overcome. So, for now, I’ll let this be my hope. Justin and I can both overcome this. Justin has this condition because he is strong enough to deal with it. I married him because I am strong enough to help and care for him.
Though, I still will ask the blogosphere to send us prayers.