When Worry Hits Hard

I am worried. More so than I have been before. The reason I have decided to write this post was because of two posts: Suzzie Vehrs’s on Fear and Sierra Penrod’s on Anxiety. I have experienced both in my life to varying degrees. 
The first time I truly felt fear was in 8th grade. I lived in Stafford, VA at the time. The same time and place as the Sniper Shootings. My neighborhood and my school were surrounded by forest. It’d be all to easy for him to sneak behind a tree and shoot me. Or, since I slept in the basement, sneak under our porch in the pitch darkness and shoot me through my window. I was reading scriptures one day, and fell upon these verses: Proverbs 3: 21-26. It really helped–Christ telling me directly that he will watch over me and keep me safe.
I have felt anxiety numerous, numerous times: big projects, finals, surprises even. I felt it almost every day during my student teaching internship last year. The beginning of the year was so bad for me, Justin had to force me to actually eat my dinner.
However, this week, my worry has been a combination of both fear and anxiety. My worry is not about myself, but about my husband. 
He has a pre-existing condition. That is all I am saying. It is his choice to indulge more or keep it private and I respect that. Recently, he started a new medication–a pill! We were so excited for him to only have to take an oral pill as opposed to his previous medication. He started it about two weeks ago. About last Thursday, he got a sore throat and headache, but we were still able to have the time of our lives with his family during the holiday weekend. We were both able to go to all 3 hours of church on Sunday and both felt fine (I didn’t even get any degree of headache, which I typically do). Then, Sunday evening, we helped out some friends by taking them to the ER. Justin started to feel bad then. We thought it was maybe just bad memories popping in. We went home and he was cold–Justin is never cold. Even in the winter, he sleeps without any covering. He spent all night hacking and coughing and dry heaving. 
Monday was the same–hacking, coughing, dry heaving, sore throat, heavy head, couldn’t stomach anything. I’ve said it and Justin has said it: he loves food. So, when the only thing he eats all day is a banana and a piece of toast, you know something is wrong. Monday night, we try to go to bed. He is up and out almost every 10 minutes, saying how he needs to throw up. I have never seen my husband this sick or disheartened or in this much pain. It scared me. We decided to go to the ER. 
The doctors and nurses there were very nice and very helpful. They gave him some medicine for his nausea and stomach pains, but said they weren’t sure what it is. We mentioned about the new medication and wondered if that was causing it, but the ER doctor hadn’t really heard of it (it is, afterall, a new medicine for Justin’s condition, so that was understandable). We ended up thinking Justin got a bug coincidentally the same time he started the new medication and the pill was just exacerbating the symptoms. Justin was able–for the most part–to sleep the rest of the night.
Yesterday, he was doing  a bit better–even able to down half a cup of rice and veggies. He said the stomach medication was helping and was able to get some rest throughout the day. The worst part, though, about yesterday, is the fact that it was Justin’s birthday. What a crappy gift. However, as much as it looked like he was improving, that all disappeared last night. We hardly slept a wink again–coughing, barfing, can’t find a comfortable way to sleep.
This morning, he tells me that he really does think it is the pill. He called the pharmacy and they think it may be the pill. So, we may be going back to the hospital today. I am scared. This is my husband–my rock, my man who never worries or frets, who (even with his condition) never gets sick  and hardly gets headaches, my food-devour-er who can’t eat a single piece of toast, my hard-studying statistician who is trying to finish school. I am worried, desperately worried. I knew since our first date about Justin’s health. During our engagement, it made me worried. I even wrote about it here. But he’s never been this affected. He is so hungry and tired and weak, and the isn’t anything I can do about it. I can’t sleep, I can barely eat myself. How in the world can I help him when I can’t even help myself from being worried sick over him? Our apartment is a mess, there aren’t any clean dishes, we are running out of food (I don’t want to go grocery shopping with him in this condition). I am more worried about him than I’ve ever been before. 
But, for all this hopelessness and forlorn coming from both of us, I am trying desperately to have faith. I am reading the scriptures out loud to both of us. We are continually praying not only for his recovery, but our friend’s as well. His family knows and are praying, too. I know down the road he’ll be fine, but I’m worried about the here and now. I know we’ll be able to get through it, but with what consequences? Going back to the medication he hates with passion? Getting really behind on his studies? I am surprised I’m not worried about the expense of the hospital visits we had/will have. But, I have to keep faith. In the Book of Mormon (the other set of scriptures for the LDS church), there is a passage –1 Nephi 3:7 ” And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” Along with this, is the axiom, that God won’t give us trials we can’t overcome. So, for now, I’ll let this be my hope. Justin and I can both overcome this. Justin has this condition because he is strong enough to deal with it. I married him because I am strong enough to help and care for him.
Though, I still will ask the blogosphere to send us prayers.
Tayler is a work at home mom. She does free lance articles and dabbles in graphic design and virtual assisting for bloggers. She spent 3 years as a history and English teacher. Her passions are her husband, two children, history, reading, nature, and her Savior, Jesus Christ.
  • Wendy Roberts

    You CAN do this! I have faith in you. It is so much harder watching someone you love suffer rather than yourself, but always remember, you are NO GOOD TO THEM, if you do not take care of yourself. It is your duty to do so so that you CAN be a good care-taker. Worry, well, it just comes with the territory. I think you are starting to understand just a little bit about how your parents feel about you! Always try to put your trust in the Lord, like you are doing, get a priesthood blessing (both of you) and hold on for the ride. Some scripture that really helped me when Jeff was in Iraq and I was so worried was this, "Perfect love casteth out fear." And I tried to focus on perfecting my love for and trust in Heavenly Father. I tried to remember that He loves him even more than I do (I know, crazy, right?) and is watching out for him. Another is “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”—D&C 84:88
    He knows what trials and tests will refine us and bring out the best that is in us and we have to trust that He will not only be there for comfort, but to strengthen and help us through. He will. I know this. Going through the trial is always hard, but most of the time, I find, on the other end, that I wouldn't trade the growth and the things I learn for anything. They are precious and of great value. I think you will too. I know your mom isn't available, but I am and will come if you need/want me, OK?

  • I am so sorry to hear this. I hope that the doctors are able to get everything straightened soon. It is very easy to worry. That is what we as people do best. I find even after I pray and ask God to take "this" burden from me…I take it right back and worry. Then even worse is when I try and solve problems on my own…in my own way… I will keep your family in my prayers and hope all is better very soon.

    Laura@MiceIntheKitchen

    • And Laura, that is EXACTLY how I react too! It's great to know someone else understands and does the same thing!

  • I'm so sorry you have to go through this! I can imagine that it would be very stressful indeed!! 🙁 Prayers for you and your hubby.

  • Hang in there Tayler 🙂 You'll make it through 🙂

    xo, Jessica

  • I'm sorry you and your husband are going through all of this.
    Sending lots of prayers your way!!

  • Oh, it's so hard to see someone you love feeling sick and you aren't able to do anything to make them better right away!!

  • Sending lots of prayers your way!! New medication can be tough on ones system!! Try to stay strongnfor Justin and know we are all in your corner!

  • I completely understand what it's like to worry about the health of a family member, so I feel for you right now. I sincerely hope the doctors are able to get this straightened out and that Justin starts to feel better soon!

  • hey, I just saw this post. its been a couple weeks is everything better? my heart breaks for you in this struggle. I with you in knowing God has a plan for both of us, but understanding it can be do hard at times. I'll keep your family in my prayers for now. hopefully this trial has already passed but if not email or text or call any time if you need a shoulder. one thing I've learned the passed months is that no one can get by on their own. we weren't meant to.