I Admit It

So, today, I did something I never thought I would do – I went to a counselor. The type of counselor you go to for help, not academic, not religious, but emotional and mental.I never thought I would have to – I always thought I was stronger, smarter, too normal for that. I was wrong, and I admit I went.

Today just confirmed my growing beliefs. I admit I am not strong. Maybe that is why my novel that I am working on is so powerful to me. Maybe I really am like other authors who place who they want to be in a favorite character. Maybe I want to be strong mentally and emotionally, but the truth is, I’m not. I admit I am not courageous, I am not outspoken, I am not assertive (I totally am w/ sports, but not real life – funny how that works out). I admit I lack in some serious social and interpersonal characteristics. I admit I personally have some poor characteristics which causes the rest of these to blow up out of proportion. I used to think I was super good at all of this, but I realize that, no, I am not. My parents and my friends were right all along about me. I admit it. YOU are right about me – every little detail.

I have been having a terrible semester – I have been overly stressed and underly social. I have been overly focused on school work and underly focused on my relationships. I have been overly successful in my jobs, yet, sadly, underly successful with hours and earnings. Most days, I want to just go to bed and give up on everything else. I want to give up on school, I want to give up trying to earn enough money for Wales, I want to give up on finding a new place to live next year, I want to give up on trying to heal my friendships.

That is why I went to a counselor. I don’t want to give up. I want to prove I am stronger than that, that I CAN push through. And I am not just talking about the going to class and work even if I didn’t get any sleep or if I am hacking up a lung. That is just determination. I want the strength to not give up this semester. I want the strength to be able to fix my problems. To be able to confront them and eradicate them by any means necessary. Maybe that is why I have been working so hard on my novel lately – it’s as if my character that I created will hopefully give me strength.

I admit that I need some serious changing. I admit that I need some help to do so. I admit that I am not perfect, nor anywhere near so. I admit I am wrong sometimes, harsh sometimes, bossy sometimes, selfish sometimes. I admit all my downfalls, but hopefully, will be able to fix them all.

Give me strength to admit it and work through it.

Tayler is a work at home mom. She does free lance articles and dabbles in graphic design and virtual assisting for bloggers. She spent 3 years as a history and English teacher. Her passions are her husband, two children, history, reading, nature, and her Savior, Jesus Christ.

One comment

  1. What lies behind you and what lies before you are extremely insignificant compared to what lies WITHIN you.

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