For the longest time, I thought my biggest fear was losing friends, but I realized that it is just a part of a bigger fear, a fear that constantly holds me back.
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.”
I am afraid of failure. In anything. In everything.
This is why I only took IB History and IB English in high school, rather than the entire IB program. I was afraid. I was afraid of not doing well. I was afraid of not understanding. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to succeed.
This is why I gave up the Honors Program–I wasn’t caught up on my Great Works, I didn’t want to take a math class (I am honestly, quite deathly afraid of math), I didn’t want to kill myself working on an honors thesis during my first year of teaching.
This is why I was a little nervous to date last semester, after having my heart broken. The whole year before, I had boys break up with: I wasn’t worth it, I was too distant, I was too clingy. I could never be a good girlfriend. It was a scary journey last semester, but ended with good results (I am getting married in August). Too be honest, that scares me too–how good of a wife will I be? Knowing my personality, will I be overbearing, demanding, taking him on a roller coaster ride?
But, has been affecting me the past few weeks. I want to do well in my classes, but working on two separate unit plans, completing a 28 page history paper, creating a classroom management handbook, filing paper work for my student teaching internship, working 3 jobs, and planning a wedding has almost done me in. My writing unit plan is particularly stressful. I consider myself a good writer, and thought this would be easy. Boy was I mistaken. It reminds me of the first day I stepped into my creative writing classroom as a sophomore in high school. We wrote poems based off a prompt. I expected to do well and receive praise–that’s all I had received either online or by my parents. What I got back was a fat “C.” But, through Renard’s amazing teaching, my skill jumped in the next three years. So, I feel the same way now–I am two kinds of writing tutor, I love writing (academic and creative). A writing unit plan should be easy-peazy. LIE! It’s so hard. I’ve even talked to my professor, but that hasn’t helped my fear enough–it helped some, just not enough.
Yesterday, I wanted to just give up on it. That is how I handle things I am afraid at failing at–I just give up on it. Not doing it at all is better than trying, putting in all your effort and failing, right? I give up on things. Earlier this week, my stress reached its peak and I forgot to blog for a day. Then, I was too tired the next day. So, I gave up on the 3rd day.
Even today, as I was feeling this stressed and down about my self-confidence and ability, I overheard my co-workers’ conversation. We are all writing tutors for the social science college, so we are all expected to be pretty far in our major as well as have good GPA’s. Mine right now is a 3.78 out of 4. I thought that was pretty good. Until I heard their discussion…3.84 and 3.86. One spent $20 on a language test to get 8 credits, but ended with an A- and told the administration not to count it because it would bring her GPA down. I would have excepted it in an instant–an A- on one of BYU’s language test-outs? Then, I looked at my transcript since freshman year. Mostly A’s and A-‘s. A few B+’s. Then, that glaring C+ from my History 220 class. I am a history major–1st part of American History should be easy, right? After my first poor quiz grade and poor paper grade, I went to talk to the professor and did all she suggested. I talked to her numerous times, but no matter what I did that she told me to do, my grade never rose. It made me feel inadequate.
Now, I am teaching 7th and 8th graders next year. Throughout all my teaching classes, I’ve heard stories of amazing teachers. I am deathly afraid. What if I can’t inspire my students? What if I can’t reach them? What if they don’t care about my class? What if I don’t know enough about my subject? I am afraid.
This weekend, I think I will pray for bravery. I will continue because I persevere–I do what I have to. But, that does nothing for my attitude. I am afraid. I am scared. I am not confident at all. Not for anything in the next two week, not for the summer, not for the fall.