High Moral Standards

A friend from work was revealing to me all the reasons he liked me: cute, smart, funny, kind, high moral standards…

Wait. High moral standards? Wow, he noticed that? More than noticing, he cared about it enought to mention it? Wow. That’s why he likes me? Becuase of that little part in my life that I have always taken for granted growing up in my church?

I smiled when he said that last night.

I am still smiling.

I want to take what he said and improve on it. I have been lacking a bit. I could do better in what I say and do. I could do better in my daily scripture reading. I should do better – I will do better.

If that small comment can affect me this much, make me smile and lift my self-esteem? And then take it and improve on it? Who else will notice? How will I feel about myself?

Thank you so much. You don’t know how much those small, plain words meant to me.

Dried Up River

For the summer, I live in the desert with my family, right next to the Mojave River – literally next to it. Every day while driving to work, I have to cross this dried up river of sand.

While away at college, there were some big storms and water started to fill up the river again – not alot. The river bed is very wide and very deep. Shallow water started to flow through, enough to see the lines it was caressing into the sand.

The first day I went to work after coming home for the summer, I was suprised to see these little riverlets streaming down an otherwise barren wasteland. It made me smile; I looked forward to the drive to work. It gave me hope – that in this forsaken desert, some paradise had pushed through. I planned to drive to the riverbank one day I didn’t have work, and play in the appealing water.

But, as the week has gone on, the riverlets became smaller and smaller, sinking into the underground course the Mojave River takes, or joining the clouds in the sky. Now, there is no water, just a bridge over sand. The river has run dry.

Just as my creativity has. My muse, still lost, probably was hiding under my bridge, waiting for the perfect day to play with me in the cool refreshing river. But, with the blaring sun and the winding sand, and the dry, dry atmosphere, she has left me again, with a dried up river. I cannot wait to go to lush, green, moist, water infested Great Britain. 50 more days!!

I Admit It

So, today, I did something I never thought I would do – I went to a counselor. The type of counselor you go to for help, not academic, not religious, but emotional and mental.I never thought I would have to – I always thought I was stronger, smarter, too normal for that. I was wrong, and I admit I went.

Today just confirmed my growing beliefs. I admit I am not strong. Maybe that is why my novel that I am working on is so powerful to me. Maybe I really am like other authors who place who they want to be in a favorite character. Maybe I want to be strong mentally and emotionally, but the truth is, I’m not. I admit I am not courageous, I am not outspoken, I am not assertive (I totally am w/ sports, but not real life – funny how that works out). I admit I lack in some serious social and interpersonal characteristics. I admit I personally have some poor characteristics which causes the rest of these to blow up out of proportion. I used to think I was super good at all of this, but I realize that, no, I am not. My parents and my friends were right all along about me. I admit it. YOU are right about me – every little detail.

I have been having a terrible semester – I have been overly stressed and underly social. I have been overly focused on school work and underly focused on my relationships. I have been overly successful in my jobs, yet, sadly, underly successful with hours and earnings. Most days, I want to just go to bed and give up on everything else. I want to give up on school, I want to give up trying to earn enough money for Wales, I want to give up on finding a new place to live next year, I want to give up on trying to heal my friendships.

That is why I went to a counselor. I don’t want to give up. I want to prove I am stronger than that, that I CAN push through. And I am not just talking about the going to class and work even if I didn’t get any sleep or if I am hacking up a lung. That is just determination. I want the strength to not give up this semester. I want the strength to be able to fix my problems. To be able to confront them and eradicate them by any means necessary. Maybe that is why I have been working so hard on my novel lately – it’s as if my character that I created will hopefully give me strength.

I admit that I need some serious changing. I admit that I need some help to do so. I admit that I am not perfect, nor anywhere near so. I admit I am wrong sometimes, harsh sometimes, bossy sometimes, selfish sometimes. I admit all my downfalls, but hopefully, will be able to fix them all.

Give me strength to admit it and work through it.

"The Unexamined Life

is not worth living.” Socrates said this once and it has impacted billions of people since then. In my British Literary class, we were taught that the Romantic era was a period of the exploration of human imagination, a return to the natural. For years, I have kept a journal, but I haven’t really looked back and examined my life.

A new year has come and gone, resolutions in place, new classes, yet, same life. What kind of life has that been?

I look back, I have had a pretty good life. True, there were things I regret, especially in high school. I should have tried out for soccer. I should have taken the whole IB program. I should have saved more money from my part time job. But, I had a good education. I had great friends, some of which I still keep in touch with. I was inspired by my teachers. I loved my community, my home, everything about it.

Family life. Tough one. I was a brat – I’ll admit it. But, I was also quick to forgive and forget. We never went for wanting. We loved each other. My dad is my hero and my mom is my mentor. My siblings are my pride and joy.

Love found me numerous times. I am glad for the different experiences it has brought me and I am glad I kept to my values and standards. These have taught me what to look for.

Now for college, which I have to say, I have changed alot in the past year and a half. Last year I started out in the dorms. I had a couple of friends, I socialized, but I was still unsatisfied. After Christmas break, I moved in with a coworker across campus. There, I was accepted by two people who are now my best friends: Amanda and Sherrie. That semester, I experimented – I allowed social life to overrun school work. I ventured in my romantic relationship. Life was great, I didn’t want it to stop, but I realized that come next year, I needed to make some changes.

The three of us moved in to a new apartment and our fourth roommate, Katrina, fits perfectly in with us. It has been challenging, some dissapointments, some failures, fights, suprises. But, where would I be without those? Where am I right now? I feel I have ended the prologue to my life and I am just starting to write chapter one.
I am different then my roommates in my goals and expectations, but that is what helps me be strong. I will live my own life to its fullest, my own way.
I have had no boyfriend, and had to watch two roommates with their own. I will admit, I was jealous, but then, I’d think, I am doing wonderful without one.

I have had a good life, full of experience, and trials. I remember from Sunday School, a quote “Glorious tribulation gives us hope” (Romans 5:3-5). Since then, I have pushed through, knowing that I will be better afterward. I have succeeded in week one of school. I am confident. I have succeeded wonderfully in the past. I have examined my life and found it worth living, so that is exactly what I’ll do. I have changed over the years and I will write my life story:

My Fairy Tale.

New Year's Resolutions

It is the end of another year. The third decade of my life begins now – the first was of childhood, the second of teen years, now, my first decade as an adult.

This year has been full of changes for me – I ended my first year of college and began my second. I started a job that will help me toward my career. Friends have been married, gone on missions, came and gone out of my life. I, myself, have changed. But, reminiscing on the year, I’ve come to realize that the progress I have made was just the first stretch.

These year’s resolutions are going to deal with improving me, for my sake and for whoever else may come into my life.

I want to get better – I will get better this year. (It will help that my roommate is as determined as I am!)

-I WILL workout 5 out of 7 days a week and stay with my ideal weight
-I WILL dress for success – including taking time to do my hair nicely – no ponytails and no t-shirts
-I WILL get all A’s and B’s and keep my GPA above a 3.7 (to stay in Honors) – even if it means staying on campus to get homework done
-I WILL be more sociable – no more shying away to my room – I will meet new people and jump right in.
-I WILL keep my apartment clean – it looks so much better and is less stressful
-I WILL go to bed and wake up everyday at a determined time
-I WILL spend time every week giving service or doing charity work

-I WILL be the super girl I want to be. The one that is able to balance college honors classes, two jobs, Sunday school class, and a social life. The one who is always dressed nicely. The one every one wants to invite over or hang out with. The one that can hold her head up high and know she has succeeded in life. I WILL be the One that will be able be proud of herself and how she presents herself.

This year will be different and it will be a turning point as I go from being a teenager into an adult. This year I will experience the beginning of training for my career (hist teaching classes), long-term friendships (renewing my apartment contract), saying goodbye to family (staying at college over the summer), and studying abroad (going to Wales in the summer). This year will be exciting and I WILL face it with determination and optimism.

THAT is my resolution.