Life comes in stages, in chapters, in periods, in eras. Some are excited and full to bursting. Some are more monotonous. Some are full of passion and go-getting. Some are lacking and have a want of backing off and simplifying.
This current chapter in my life has been all over the place. This whole year has been a crazy ride: We moved out of our townhome because we couldn’t afford rent when I stopped teaching. We moved into my parents’ basement. My sister got engaged and planned a wedding in two and a half months. I found out I was pregnant and then a week later, Justin got laid off.
Needless to say, my hormones were all over the place. Not to mention that I felt like absolute crap physically during the first trimester. My depression and anxiety came back, even though I was taking my medication. To be completely honest, there were times I regretted getting pregnant again. Especially because of an off-hand comment someone had made: “You can’t even afford rent right now. Why are you trying to get pregnant?” Rhys was already literally sleeping in the closet. Where would we put our new girl in my parents’ basement if we were still living there. If Justin hadn’t found a job by January, how would we pay for the entire pregnancy and birth without income or insurance? Were we rash in even trying when things seemed so uncertain?
But, Justin was a rock when it came to our precious daughter. He said the fact that she came so quickly after we started trying meant that she was supposed to come now for a reason. Once I heard her heartbeat for the first time, I started to calm down and fall in love with my second child. Although my worry about affording her never stopped until Justin got this job.
We were so thankful for the job opportunity Justin received. It would pay more than either of us have ever made, it would allow us to move to Texas for an adventure, we had stability again, and Justin would do what he loved for work. It was a whirlwind of interviews, accepting the job, leaving the state for training, coming back one weekend to move, leaving out of state again, and me setting up house all by myself.
That was hard. I was alone with no support system close by. I was almost halfway through my pregnancy. I had a 2 year old who was having a little trouble transitioning to a new place. It was over 100* each day with humidity. One day I ended up on the floor of my bedroom just crying and crying, opening my heart up to God, telling him how alone I felt, how I needed companionship and friendship. Immediately, Rhys was by my side, hugging me. He took his pacy and put it in my mouth. He covered me with his blanket and kissed my forehead. (That is my absolute favorite place Justin kisses, so it really warmed my soul when Rhys did it.)
Rhys was my constant companion. His smiles and his cuddles always lifted my soul. Even two months later, when I now have friends, the house is completely set up, and I am content with my life. Whenever I have a low day because of my anxiety and depression, Rhys is there to brighten up my day. I love him so much.
Now, two months after moving, I have a sense of contentment. The house is set up and feels cozy, even though it is smaller than we are used to (I still worry a bit about where all Evelyn’s stuff is going to go). I’m getting used to the heat (just a bit, but I still yearn for some real fall weather!). Our new congregation is wonderful about fellowship–they are so warm and welcoming. We are searching for a second car so I don’t feel trapped at home everyday. I feel content. And, if you know me, you know that I struggle with contentment a lot. However, I still am suffering a bit from panic attacks (over who knows what), anxiety, and depression. There are still days where it’s a struggle to get out of bed and be present for Rhys and not just have the TV on all day. But, that is the real life.
So, it surprised me when I realized that I seemed to be pulling away from social media a bit. My heart isn’t into blogging as much as it used to be. I don’t feel as inspired. Reading blogs or curating Instagram posts sometimes feel a chore. I always struggled to understand why my friends would just step away from their blog and never write in it for months, or publicly announce that they were done blogging for the foreseeable future. It always saddened me and I was always determined not to do that–blogging is too important to me. True, I’m not a big blogger. I don’t focus too much on “growth” or monetizing. Blogging to me has always been about friendship and a hobby, a way to express myself. But, the more and more I thought about this, I kept going back to last summer. My old laptop was dying and I couldn’t get the screen to work or have it turn on longer than like 10 minutes.. Then, Justin’s entire family went to Bear Lake for a reunion for a week. Justin and I purposefully left electronics behind (and I forgot my camera behind). I had the absolute best time of my life being present and enjoying the now with family. It was just what I needed after a stressful year of teaching and transitioning to a SAHM. I felt free. I felt content. I felt at peace.
Knowing that, I feel a little better about what I am feeling about social media now. Last week, I did a huge cleanse on all my social media platforms: I unfollowed, unliked, unfriended a lot of friends, blogs, pages, companies, etc. It felt relieving. My own numbers and stats may suffer from that, but I’m ok with it. I tried planning out an editorial calendar for my blog and came up lacking. Three times a week seems like a chore.
No, I’m not giving up blogging. I will never ever give up blogging. It means far to much to me–it is part of my soul (a horcrux if you will–and no, I never killed anyone to get it!). But, I’m not going to stress over my blog. My goal will still be twice a week, but if I don’t hit that, I’m not going to worry. I’m not going to worry about my numbers or stats. What will happen will happen.
I want to rediscover myself…on the one hand, I feel happy and content with life right now. I’m glad with my current situation. On the other hand, I’m having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. I want to feel important, productive, improving. Blogging isn’t it right now–I can’t afford to try to grow my blog (literally). But, what else: teaching again? tutoring? finding a grad program? learning more about graphic design and maybe possibly starting an Etsy shop? diving into learning about photography? I’m not sure. Maybe that’s one reason that I’ve felt a pull away from blogging: I’m feeling a push in a different direction. All I know is I want to dive deeper into my relationship with the Lord, be a better housemaker, wife, and mom, read more, and find out who I will be as a true adult.
Wow, that was longer than I expected. But, again, that is the real life. I am so grateful to all of you who stay with me and will continue to do so through this next chapter in my life. Who knows? I may rediscover my blogging passion and come back fiercer than ever. Or, I may be the next Etsy shop or photographer you make a purchase from. Who knows. I’m taking this to God and He will guide me. He has been good to me the past few months and I put my trust in Him.